June 1992 tuesday 3:00 am .... ,
I am not able to sleep from the past two days, even sleeping pills are not of any help.Every time i tried to close my eyes , my past life flashes before me.
April 1992 ,
I met with an accident, that changed my life.
April 1962 ,
I was born ,ordinary in every ways but not in an ordinary enviroment.My father was a manager in some company,his salary was just enough to supporthim,not us(me and my mother).My mother was a primary school teacher.
May 1967 ,
I had recieved my first beating.It was my first day at school.The teacher gave a list of books ,which had to be brought in the class everyday.I gave the to list to my father, and he in return given me some blood, a swollen eye and the first chapter of the life,after that these types of chapters were part of my regular studies.
Aug 1990 ,
It was for the first time , I come to realise the power of love .first time , to acknowledege that my wife is so beautiful, first time , about the devil I am.It was second time ,when i was reborn and my first child born.
April 1992 ,
I came to know about my wife's affair . the devil inside me was again ,reborn. I picked up my revolver from the drawer.Life has once again started plotting against me .
Jan 1988 ,
I am having a feeling of power,a sadistic pleasure .It was first time ,when i had beaten my wife . I don't know , but i was enjoying it .I was feeling complete and ,a sense of peace was prevaling in me.
May 1968 ,
I had just returned from school , barely 3 years old ,when i noticed a large crowd gathered around my home . As i made my way through it, I saw some policemen talking to my mother .They were asking about the mark on her ankles and faces ,her swollen eyes.My mother without speaking went inside , the police turned attention to my father, asked him to come to policestation.I went inside , my mother was crying seating aorund a corner ,with her saree covering her face. I went to my room changed my clothes ,had food and slept.Cries of my mother woked me , I went to my mother's room , my father was back , he was again beating my mother.His eyes turned to me and then he start beating me . I don't know when , I had lost my feelings of love,hate,pride ....
I was like a death , unable to feel emotions , even continuos beating , no longer evoked any tears.
My mother died on Aug 1978 . Had she followed the teachings of hers,which she used to teach her students,she may have not got the tittle of typical indian wife, but would have certainly not died.
Died is wonderful thing , who dies ,who lives no one can tell .My mother death brought a change in my father, he no longer used to drink , no beatings ,always lost in redeeming his sins,but no longer his repentance can change anything.
I got married on DEC 1987,don't know why some one had agreed to marry me. I was working in a MNC ,drawing 12 lakhs per month , may be that would have been a reason.The girl or my wife was average -looking. It was my father who had taken care for all ceremonies and rituals , maybe he had arranged it,thinking it may change my way of life. My wife was more like my mother , never asked anything , never questioned me. She used to took my apathy to be mistakes on her part , even left her job , to provide more time to home ,which was for me just a shelter.
I remember her love-making and the sex first time we had.It was sunday evening , 2 months of our marriage ,were watching a movie , when the reel-life chemistry between actors sparked our real-life encounter.It was fascinating , the dam which was helding my emotions broke out. But as stagnant water gets putrid, so does restrained emotions. It unleashed hatred, frustations ,shame , anger from me and the target the girl.
The shame of not shaving my mother, not be able to stand beside her,the frus tation of young kid devoid of love ,the anger of taking revenge .
Humans are queer creatures , they give pains to those ,who love them.They tried to seek justification from them ,of deeds of others .
I transformed into my father, same cruelty same barbarity......the thing which i used to hate most , start loving it.
My wife never used to complain and that further used to provoke me , I always wanted her to raise voice , beat me , leave me . Her submission , her feeling of helplessness with which my mother used to succumb to my father atrocities, abhored me , and when the same was done by my wife ,I used to feel defeated in front of her.
I am not able to sleep from the past two days, even sleeping pills are not of any help.Every time i tried to close my eyes , my past life flashes before me.
April 1992 ,
I met with an accident, that changed my life.
April 1962 ,
I was born ,ordinary in every ways but not in an ordinary enviroment.My father was a manager in some company,his salary was just enough to supporthim,not us(me and my mother).My mother was a primary school teacher.
May 1967 ,
I had recieved my first beating.It was my first day at school.The teacher gave a list of books ,which had to be brought in the class everyday.I gave the to list to my father, and he in return given me some blood, a swollen eye and the first chapter of the life,after that these types of chapters were part of my regular studies.
Aug 1990 ,
It was for the first time , I come to realise the power of love .first time , to acknowledege that my wife is so beautiful, first time , about the devil I am.It was second time ,when i was reborn and my first child born.
April 1992 ,
I came to know about my wife's affair . the devil inside me was again ,reborn. I picked up my revolver from the drawer.Life has once again started plotting against me .
Jan 1988 ,
I am having a feeling of power,a sadistic pleasure .It was first time ,when i had beaten my wife . I don't know , but i was enjoying it .I was feeling complete and ,a sense of peace was prevaling in me.
May 1968 ,
I had just returned from school , barely 3 years old ,when i noticed a large crowd gathered around my home . As i made my way through it, I saw some policemen talking to my mother .They were asking about the mark on her ankles and faces ,her swollen eyes.My mother without speaking went inside , the police turned attention to my father, asked him to come to policestation.I went inside , my mother was crying seating aorund a corner ,with her saree covering her face. I went to my room changed my clothes ,had food and slept.Cries of my mother woked me , I went to my mother's room , my father was back , he was again beating my mother.His eyes turned to me and then he start beating me . I don't know when , I had lost my feelings of love,hate,pride ....
I was like a death , unable to feel emotions , even continuos beating , no longer evoked any tears.
My mother died on Aug 1978 . Had she followed the teachings of hers,which she used to teach her students,she may have not got the tittle of typical indian wife, but would have certainly not died.
Died is wonderful thing , who dies ,who lives no one can tell .My mother death brought a change in my father, he no longer used to drink , no beatings ,always lost in redeeming his sins,but no longer his repentance can change anything.
I got married on DEC 1987,don't know why some one had agreed to marry me. I was working in a MNC ,drawing 12 lakhs per month , may be that would have been a reason.The girl or my wife was average -looking. It was my father who had taken care for all ceremonies and rituals , maybe he had arranged it,thinking it may change my way of life. My wife was more like my mother , never asked anything , never questioned me. She used to took my apathy to be mistakes on her part , even left her job , to provide more time to home ,which was for me just a shelter.
I remember her love-making and the sex first time we had.It was sunday evening , 2 months of our marriage ,were watching a movie , when the reel-life chemistry between actors sparked our real-life encounter.It was fascinating , the dam which was helding my emotions broke out. But as stagnant water gets putrid, so does restrained emotions. It unleashed hatred, frustations ,shame , anger from me and the target the girl.
The shame of not shaving my mother, not be able to stand beside her,the frus tation of young kid devoid of love ,the anger of taking revenge .
Humans are queer creatures , they give pains to those ,who love them.They tried to seek justification from them ,of deeds of others .
I transformed into my father, same cruelty same barbarity......the thing which i used to hate most , start loving it.
My wife never used to complain and that further used to provoke me , I always wanted her to raise voice , beat me , leave me . Her submission , her feeling of helplessness with which my mother used to succumb to my father atrocities, abhored me , and when the same was done by my wife ,I used to feel defeated in front of her.
i envy people like you for knowing the knowledge of blogging and writing it out since so so long.
ReplyDeleteI feel so embarrassed after reading my own article....i was screwed up .....but now more mature
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